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Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck, by Amy Alkon
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"Miss Manners with Fangs." ―LA Weekly
We live in a world that's very different from the one in which Emily Post came of age. Many of us who are nice (but who also sometimes say "f*ck") are frequently at a loss for guidelines about how to be a good person who deals effectively with the increasing onslaught of rudeness we all encounter.
To lead us out of the miasma of modern mannerlessness, science-based and bitingly funny syndicated advice columnist Amy Alkon rips the doily off the manners genre and gives us a new set of rules for our twenty-first century lives.
With wit, style, and a dash of snark, Alkon explains that we now live in societies too big for our brains, lacking the constraints on bad behavior that we had in the small bands we evolved in. Alkon shows us how we can reimpose those constraints, how we can avoid being one of the rude, and how to stand up to those who are.
Foregoing prissy advice on which utensil to use, Alkon answers the twenty-first century's most burning questions about manners, including:
* Why do many people, especially those under forty, now find spontaneous phone calls rude?
* What can you tape to your mailbox to stop dog walkers from letting their pooch violate your lawn?
* How do you shut up the guy in the pharmacy line with his cellphone on speaker?
* What small gift to your new neighbors might make them think twice about playing Metallica at 3 a.m.?
Combining science with more than a touch of humor, Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck is destined to give good old Emily a shove off the etiquette shelf (if that's not too rude to say).
- Sales Rank: #29755 in Books
- Brand: St Martin s Griffin
- Published on: 2014-06-03
- Released on: 2014-06-03
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.14" h x .80" w x 5.49" l, .68 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 304 pages
Features
Review
“Alkon not only tells readers what good manners are but also provides useful suggestions for politely calling offenders’ attention to their rudeness. And she does this in a ferociously funny style--it’s worth a read for the laughs alone. There is nothing here of the proper arrangement of table setting, nor of how to address a letter to the Archbishop of Canterbury; rather Alkon deals with modern problems in interpersonal relationships, such as how civilized people should act when standing in lines, on airplanes, online, and elsewhere. In addition, she officers very dependable, sensible, caring advice to those whose friends or family are coping with terminal illness. VERDICT: Solid psychology and a wealth of helpful knowledge and rapier wit fill these pages. Highly recommended.” ―Library Journal (starred review)
“This book is a gem. Hysterically funny and grounded in science, Amy Alkon explains why so many people are rude and how it's possible to be courteous, even if you're foul-mouthed and clueless about etiquette.” ―Dr. Adam Grant, Wharton School professor and New York Times-bestselling author of Give and Take
“I can say without reservation that Good Manners For Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck is hilarious, consistently entertaining, and, above all, wise. It's Emily Post as a beach read.” ―Charlotte Allen, The Weekly Standard
“She is chatty, at times outrageous, but full of ideas about living politely in a society that she says has become too big for our brains to handle. As for Oscar Wilde, at the end of his life is said to have commented: ‘The world was my oyster, but I used the wrong fork.'” ―Moira Hodgson, The Wall Street Journal
“If you're frequently left gasping by the jaw-dropping social ineptitude of your fellow human beings, or you're guilty of being a rude jackass yourself from time to time, this is the book for you. Alkon doesn't suffer fools lightly, but she also has the gentle wisdom to know that each of us plays the role of the fool sometimes. Armed with fascinating science, great humor, and a preternatural bullshit detector for a mind, she shoots from the hip – and you'll be damn glad she does, too.” ―Dr. Jesse Bering, Associate Professor of Science Communication and author of Perv
“Contradiction is part of what makes Ms. Alkon so captivating. Perhaps the biggest contradiction: The hisser can also be utterly lovely.” ―Brooks Barnes, The New York Times
“Although the subject matter should be enough to hold your attention, it is primarily Amy's ability to turn a phrase that makes the book such a good ride. Her section headings (e.g., 'Dating is War,' 'Murder-Suicide and Other Forms of Diplomacy,' 'The Tragedy of the Asshole in the Commons') make it impossible to put the book down and get back to work without reading just one more section. I highly recommend this book.” ―Dr. Frank McAndrew, Evolutionary Psychology journal
“In this comprehensive, science-based, easy-to-read, and hilarious book, Alkon looks at where our rudeness comes from and provides tangible ways for all of us to deal with it.” ―Dr. Jennifer Verdolin, Psychology Today
“One of '11 Smart Books You Should Read This Summer'” ―Sam McNerney, 250Words.com
“This crazy redhead is on to something. Her pink Rambler story alone is worth the price of the book.” ―Elmore Leonard on I See Rude People
“Amy Alkon is intellectually promiscuous―and funny as hell.” ―Howard Bloom, paleopsychologist and author of The Lucifer Principle on I See Rude People
“Seriously great book. Alkon is smart and savvy and funny as hell. Where Hannibal the Cannibal only ate the rude, Alkon stands up to them with the sort of glorious panache that sometimes makes you want to stand and cheer.” ―David Middleton, January Magazine on I See Rude People
“Alkon turns reporting on findings in evolutionary psychology into an art form. She scans the research horizon for fascinating new results. Though relentless in her skepticism, she is keenly attuned to findings that are both solid and suggestive. (The world lost a great analyst when Alkon turned away from academic research.) In her hands, all this research turns into practical advice for how ordinary people can live better lives. Alkon may be, as the LA Weekly put it, 'Miss Manners With Fangs,' but she is perhaps better characterized as the offspring of Charles Darwin and Dorothy Parker. We academics can all take a lesson from her ability to redefine academic turf in terms 'the ordinary person' can both understand and enjoy.” ―Dr. Barbara Oakley, Oakland University on Amy Alkon
About the Author
Amy Alkon writes The Advice Goddess, an award-winning, syndicated column that runs in more than one hundred newspapers across the United States and Canada. She is also the author of I See Rude People. She has been on Good Morning America, The Today Show, NPR, CNN, MTV, and Entertainment Tonight and has a weekly radio show called Advice Goddess Radio. She has also written for Psychology Today, Los Angeles Times, Los Angeles Times Magazine, Daily News (New York), and Pravda, among others. She lives in Venice, California.
Most helpful customer reviews
14 of 15 people found the following review helpful.
Likeable and useful but unfocused and preachy
By M. T. Crenshaw
I could not resist the title, and the subject. Any book with the word Fck in the title deserves a bit of attention especially if good manners is the subject. It is a tantalising (or perhaps puzzling) mix. Rudeness is utterly pathetic. The shop attendant at my green grocer says, people who don't return your good morning or hi are like animals. Right there, lady, they are the new cockroaches.Thank Gosh is not just us two.
This is not a book about etiquette but on rudeness in general. Alkon is a versatile writer and uses her own (militant) approach to deal with rude people and rudeness in general. Her recipe is a a very yummy cocktail made of good doses of common sense, good upbringing ways of behaving, sprinkled with some reflections on human behaviour from Behavioural and Evolutionary Psychology, and spiced up with a very witty slap on your face sort of writing.The result is sweet and sour and has hidden cherries in it.
The book's first chapter is terrific, with a reflection on what drives people to be rude. In the chapters that follow she deals with manners and rudeness in different areas of life: communication, neighbourhood relations, Internet, dating and relationships, driving, using public transport, eating in and eating out, apologising, dealing with friends and family with terminal or life-threatening illnesses. The book's last chapter is a chant to those who care, to care more, to see the others as us, to integrate the alienated, to be polite because that connects you with other humans beings, even though you don't know them.
The core of the book is "what really matters isn’t how you set the table or serve the turkey but whether you’re nice to people while you’re doing it". Also, treat others the way you want to be treated. Be Civil. Have empathy. That is it, in a nutshell the core of manners everywhere.
Alkon does not only shares her irritation (which is sometimes very much mine), and does not contain her inner cookie monster (I also have one), but she is also very sound and inquisitive, and there is a mix of serious and funny stuff that makes the book really palatable for any taste. What I like the most about the book is Alkon's relentless belief in the goodness of humanity, on making a difference, and how caring and passionate she is. I share with her my hatred for seat-hogs for example. I thought it was just me :)
Most of what Alkon says is (or should be) common knowledge, so if you don't have manners ore grew up in a family that does not brought up with rules on how to treat other people, you will get more feed from this book that if the contrary is the case.The book is good for very young people, as modern parents have a tendency not to have discipline and to justify the piggishness of their little piggies.
However, I found really great her advice on how to give an apology, how to deal with very sick friends and how to create a community in your neighbourhood. There is some ideas and practical tips about how to deal with hot-potato sort of situations or convey your clear loud message without offending the other person. I also like her advice to email and phone etiquette and how to deal with seat-hogs.
Some of the advice Alkon gives is just applicable to the USA, like restaurant tipping tips and how to proceed when a Police Patrol stops you. They are useful if you are going to travel to the USA, though.
DOWNSIDES
Despite the book being really likeable, there are a few things that rest power to it. Here a few:
> The book shows lack of focus at times, mixing in the same bag things I consider way different even if they are connected: manners, being a caring friend, etiquette, having tact, behaving ethically, liking the internet a lot, or writing reviews on Yelp.
> Etiquette and manners are not universal. Culture and Language do matter, even if we share being Westerners. However, the essence of good manners does not change much. I think the book needed a bit of more reflection on that, or an approach that also includes that. Some of the behaviours she mentions might be considered rude in another part of the world, and some etiquette musts are not etiquette elsewhere. Despite living in a globalised world people tend to live in their own bubbles and consider their own bubble the word. Wake up to the matrix.
> There are too many references to her blogs, her newspaper column, her TV interviews, her radio shows, her famous friends and her boyfriend that are a bit tiring. They are OK in a blog or column. In a book, not so much so.
> Her writing is likeable and enthusiastic but I expected a more polished text and a text that reads less like a blog.
> Alkon preaches a bit and then does not follow what she preaches. For example, her book has as a main aim to be a reminder of how we are all imperfect, we all make mistakes, to have empathy, and to connect with other human beings. What she does? She takes any opportunity to humiliate and name publicly, in person or in her blog/column, some rude people. Althought some recurrent pigs need to be reminder that they are pigs, many of the examples she gives in her book are not of recurrent pigs, just a mistake made somebody. Well, to me if you are rudder than the rude, you are utterly rude not a person with manners. Isn't that easy to see? If you preach empathy and show as if you have none, you are part of the problem.
> Excuses she gives for her being constantly unpunctual, that she is trying, that she is even reading books on it. You just need to get your alarm working and get up or get moving when it sounds, sweetie. For what she says, she is still wasting other people's time consistently. That is utterly rude to me. Is she going to use her anal humiliation approach to combating her rude self?
> She might have manners but she swears too often.
> The formatting of the book in Kindle is generous in the margins, so that makes more pages than they should.
> The index in the Kindle edition does not refer to the Kindle, just to the hard-copy, so it is worthless for Kindle readers..
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful.
Accept the Modern Technology, learn to be polite with it!
By Thor-Zine
Amy Alkon aka the Advice Goddess runs a syndicated advice column across the country. Unlike any of her competition she combines a great wit along with modern studies to back her up.
Do you feel that Technology has turned the whole population into a bunch of rude creatures who think nothing of yelling in the speaker cell phone while you are trying to enjoy a movie? Amy agrees with you but reminds us that technology is important (we all relay on it), and is therefore here to stay and proposes new rules (or sort) of etiquette for this modern age. "Hint" there still is and we can all learn to get along with we show some etiquette.
Amy realizes some email and text rather and pick up the phone an call, she recognizes some people are starting and ending relationships this way and is telling them to be realistic. As far as I know, she is the first popular advice columnist to tackle these subjects.
A must read for those who worship this technology as well as those who curse it for being the source of all evil.
12 of 13 people found the following review helpful.
Comfortable seating, fireplace
By James Kennedy
I commonly spend Sunday afternoons at the U is Washington bookstore, Bellevue branch. Comfortable seating, fireplace, snack bar, a good place to renew my ties to UDUB, where I was student, grad, full professor, department chairman and faculty senator. My usual modus is to compile about 20 books and magazines into a shopping cart, and then review each thoroughly to select those I buy, typically more than half. This book by Amy Alkon had grabber title. Having spent over 20 years in the Air Force, I am a nice retired colonel who doesn't hesitate to say f*uck, except in the presence of minors.
I sampled several sections at random, and quickly identified it as a keeper. When I git home, I insisted on reading a good chunk of the aloud to my wife. Very funny, laughing out loud funny, and we both agreed that at its foundation, it contained sensible advice. It was like a print edition of Bill Maher on Real Time, a Friday night ritual ritual for us. I have since sent copies to daughters and friends. As we all know, the current news contains very little sunshine. This book was a welcome break from the right evangelical BS that is poisoning our country. Educated liberals will love this book and redneck bible thumpers will likely hate it.
The book was a joyful diversion. If you don't laugh, life will make you cry.
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